apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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