Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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