Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
