well most of my day revolves around power hour
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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