i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
