Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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