I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
