Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize