I can text with my tongue
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
