Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
