good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize