Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
