come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
3pm strippers are depressing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
COCAINE IS GR8
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My life is pants optional.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
