Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
