remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
