You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
