I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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