Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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