You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
40s are totally the cure
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
