Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
