Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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