I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
