By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
