I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
