is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
