when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
