that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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