I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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