I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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