I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
