wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
