Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize