I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
