Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
