is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
