I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
