No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
