fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
