I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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