Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
