my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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