I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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