Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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