omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
