If that was your dad, he is hot
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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