didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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