I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
