Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
