I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
