Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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