so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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