My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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