70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
