Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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