John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
