His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
