woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
