My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
