I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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