First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
