i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
