So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
