her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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