does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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