So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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