The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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