There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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