I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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